Rudolf’s Diner

Mateo Burtch, Mariko Yoshida, Ibrahim Adwallah, Milton Edwinger, F. Martin Krepske, et al.

Abstract

The exact origins of life on Earth remain a mystery. Although many theories, including those of an extra-terrestrial source for organic life, have been proposed, none has proven to answer all questions. For this experiment, a “primordial soup” of likely early-origin molecules was “reverse engineered” from existing organic substances–primarily a ham sandwich ordered by Professor Edwinger–and the resulting components studied and classified. Preliminary studies indicate that the early Earth (c. 4.2 billion years B.C.E.) consisted of an “organic plasma” made up of large amounts of methane, ammonia, carbon, and ham.

Hypothesis

According to Aldman (1998), the first organic particles appeared shortly after the emergence of continental shelves, around 10:30 AM, 4.2 billion years ago. These shelves provided a substrate onto which simple organic molecules could bind with each other, forming more complex molecules, and then even more complex molecules, and then, finally, about 100 years ago, cars. The early Earth would have been rich in argon, phosphorous, selenium, niobium, and ham (Williams, 2004).

Since ham is now present in significant amounts, it stands to reason that it would have been present in the early atmosphere. Indeed, Hoskins (2000) has speculated that the early atmosphere, like that of present-day Venus, was mostly ham and carbon dioxide, with trace elements of wool.

Methodology

A ham sandwich was procured by one of the researchers (Dr. Edwinger), who proposed using it for his lunch. However, his colleagues prevailed upon him to use the sandwich for research. This was achieved by throwing a coat over Dr. Edwinger’s head and stealing the sandwich. The coat was a beige camel’s hair knee-length garment bought in London, England.

A Phlemston chamber, consisting of six curved-glass sides measuring approximately 1.3 meters on each side, with one side open to a Thompson magnetic particle flux capacitor and another to a semi-darkened room full of ladies, was set up. A current of 58 volts was run through a wire. Two beavers were put in a box. A man stood on a bench, yelling.

Suddenly, a shot rang out. To the Phlemston chamber, a mix of argon, phosphorous, candy, molybdenum, and iridium was added at one end, and the ham sandwich to the other. The various elements were mixed together using a Barnsmith 3.8 Cathode Displacement Flange Diopter, and the results studied using a Wimkack 8-mm. Sponge Refractory Vibrating Table G-String Deflector.

Results

Repeated sampling showed a Ham Density (HD) of over 38 ppm, indicating that lots of ham was in there.

Adjusting for inflation, and rats, an average of 4.3 Ham Parts per square inch was observed. This works out to more than 4.2 Ham Parts per square inch.

Analysis

Those ham parts couldn’t have gotten in there by themselves. Either someone put them in there, or they were there all along.

The possibility that the ham parts could have been artificially (and intentionally) introduced into the Phlemston chamber was discounted for two reasons:

It’s extremely unlikely.

Ham reacts violently with anti-ham, which would have been present in the chamber in minute quantities, since the Plemston chamber had not been cleaned since the last experiment, which tested whether pigs explode at the speed of light. Had someone attempted to introduce ham into the Phlemston chamber (either by putting it in through the Bernoulli Hole, a 4×6″ hexagonal opening designed for very tiny, skiing mice, or by infusing it into the chamber by rubbing it on his or her breasts and then lying on top of the chamber), a highly explosive reaction would have followed, destroying everything.

Therefore, the likely conclusion is that the ham pre-existed the sampling.

Conclusion

This experiment conclusively proves that ham was most likely present in the “primordial soup” of the early Earth, although it may have been bound up in complex molecules with other elements, such as dirt or string. If ham exists now (as it does), then it follows that ham had to exist earlier and had to have been created by the will of an Intelligent Designer (Smith, 2005). Therefore, God exists, and God is ham.

©Mateo Burtch, 2008

Mateo Burtch recently received a Pulitzer Prize for Best American Novel.  Police later returned the prize to its rightful owner.
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Aldman, J. & Rex Tidbit. “Party at My House!” Journal of Applied Material Physics, June 1998, p. 212-224.

Hoskins, J., and R. Erdmann. “Notational Reflexology in Bi-Cubit Analysis,” Proceedings Nat. Soc. Amer. Jargon, Nov. 2000, p. 13-17.

Smith, J. “Because I Say So,” in More Tales of Creationist Idiocy, Retrograde Press, 2005.

Williams, J. “It’s All Right Now. Don’t Worry. The Monsters Have Gone Away. Okay? Don’t Cry,” Mathematics Today, April 2004, p. 101.